Editorial license.
Pulled from the Amazon reader reviews of the DVD release of Stephen King’s IT, the mediocre made-for-TV adaptation of his novel:
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Boring Story, Good Terror
If You Like Weird Reviews, Read This. This Movie Is Boring. It Has Some Good Terror, But Not Scary. Kida Weird And Stupid. I Don’t Really Like It. I’ve Never Read The Book But, I Heard That The Movie Was Boring So I Checked It Out At My Friend Chris’s House. It Was Boring. Sittin’ There Watchin’ A 192 Minuet Movie Being Bored. So Please Stephen King Fans, Do Not Say This Movie Was Good. PLEASE! The Best Terror Part Was The End (Not Really). Part Two Was Pretty Good. I Give Part One Of “Stephen King’s ‘It'” One Star. Part Two Of “Stephen King’s ‘IT'” Two Stars. Please Don’t See This Movie, It Is Very Boring. (I Rate Part 1 PG-13. I Rate Part 2 PG-13. Please Be Bored After Watching This Movie.)
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…iT BiTeS!…
i WaS eXTReMeLY DiSaPPoiNTeD iN THe MoVie aDaPTaTioN oF a FaNTaSTiCLy FRiGHTeNiNG BooK!
iT WaS aS iF THe SCRiPT WaS WRiTTeN FRoM aN ouT-LiNe SoMeoNe JoTTeD DoWN oN THe BaCK oF a MaTCH-BooK CoVeR aFTeR oVeR-HeaRiNG SoMeoNe aT a NeaRBy TaBLe in a CRoWDeD CLuB TaLK aBouT WHaT THeY iMaGiNe THe BooK WouLD Be LiKe aFTeR ReaDiNG THe BaCK oF THe BooK. (THe BaCK CoVeR oF THe CoPy i ReaD oNLy HaD a PiC oF MR. KiNG, HiMSeLF)…Do Ya GeT WHaT i’M SaYiNG?
iN SHoRT…iT WaS THe CLiFF NoTeS oF THe CLiFF NoTeS VeRSioN.
DoN’T BoTHeR WiTH THe FLiCK ReaD THe BooK iNSTeaD
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I’m feeling a strange sense of awe, reading these. The first reviewer, who I can only assume was in their early to mid-teens when they wrote this review, seems to have latched onto a manner of distinctive typing in which Every Word Begins With A Capital Letter, like somebody who switched on their Mametizer [1] and then couldn’t turn it off.
But the second review is even more impressive. Out there in the world right now, somebody is taking the time to compose their Amazon reviews in a rigid system wherein consonants are CaPiTaLiZeD and vowels are LoWeRCaSe, including “y”, apparently [2].
It’s stunning. I can only wonder and worry if these individuals use such strange rules for language composition in places beside the Web. I read, awhile back, of the recent and unsettling phenomenon of younger students allowing Instant Messaging English to follow them into the classroom–that some students were actually handing in essays with intentionally dropped letters and number replacements in place of letter-strings, that they were handing in assignments with sentences like “Othello is abt a Moor, and abt Iago, who h8s him.”
I like our language. I like its ability to evolve, its unintentional humor [3], I even admire its moments of absolute insanity [4].
Something about these reviews and the above story of schoolchildren seems to inspire a low-level simmer of defensiveness for English that I can’t quite comprehend. The language and its system seems to be under attack, and I have a weird desire to strike back, somehow.
Not sure how I could, mind you.
[1] If you’ve read a Mamet script, you understand What I Mean.
[2] Even to the point of acknowledging when “y” is a vowel and when it isn’t–it appears lowercase in “NeaRBy” but is capitalized in “Ya”.
[3] Think about the word fundamentalist and what it means to you. Now look up the word fundament. [5]
[4] Now look up the word cleave.
[5] This pointed out to me by the liner notes of a Utah Phillips album.
Current music: MP3 list, Bad Religion, “21st Century Digital Boy”
Creative Control 