$5,000 CASH PRIZE and publication by Samuel French for winning script. Full-length plays only. Scripts must be unpublished and unproduced. Submission must be accompanied by a recommendation from a theatre professional and postmarked by 6/15/03. Send to: L. Arnold Weissberger Award, Box 428, Williamstown, MA 01267-0428.

Imagine my excitement. Not only do I have a full-length play, The Accident God, which I consider contest- and production-worthy, I also happen to know a theatre professional, the lovely and talented Ms. Karen Petruska, who has recently become a contracted dramaturg with the Metropolis Performing Arts Center in Arlington Heights. I prepared to send the script off to be fawned over and awarded with much, much money.

So today, Karen requested more information on the contest so as to help her in writing a recommendation letter for me. When I went to the website of the Williamstown Theatre Festival [1], I discovered good news and terrible news.

First, the Good News
The foundation that makes these awards had in fact doubled the award this year, as a concession to the fact that few people can truly make a living writing for the American stage. Ten grand. Woo.

And Now, the Terrible News
The contest is much, much bigger than I am right now. Entry requires a nomination from an established theatrical organization, and nominations are accepted only if the theatrical organization has been invited to nominate somebody.

Yikes. I rather feel like I’d set out to conquer China but had somehow thought the country was the size of San Marino [2]. I return now to my plodding, meandering, workaday existence and will go back to submitting only to those contests that offer $100 for winning.

[1] Damn this Internet shorthand–every time I look at the acronym for Williamstown Theatre Festival, I can’t help but think, “What The Fuck?”

[2] Is this country good for anything besides being a favorite hideout for the thugs in Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

Current music: MP3 list, Talking Heads, “Burning Down the House”