Miscellaneous Mental Musings of an Emerging Artist
A SHORT SPECULATIVE PLAY IMAGINING THE MEETING BETWEEN PRESIDENT-ELECT DONALD TRUMP AND OSCAR-WINNING ACTOR LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Leo: Good afternoon, Mr. President-Elect.
Donald: Hey. Hey. You can call me Donald.
Leo: Are you sure?
Donald: I have a lot of respect for you. A lot of respect.
Leo: That’s very flattering to hear, Mr. Presi–Donald.
Donald: You’re a good kid. And I loved you in that movie you did, the one about the undercover police.
Leo: The Departed.
Leo: Anyway. Donald, I’m glad you agreed to meet with me. I wanted to talk to you about how dire the climate situation is–
Donald: –what was Naomi Campbell like?
Donald: Naomi Campbell. You banged her, right? And what’s her name, the chick who married Tom Brady.
Leo: That’s not why I’m here, sir.
Donald: I know, but let’s talk guy to guy. You know. Two guys who got a lot of supermodel ass.
Leo: I’m not interested in–
Donald: I mean, I probably got a lot more than you, but I’ve also got a few decades on you.
Leo: Please, sir. I need you to hear me about climate change.
Donald: It’s a hoax.
Leo: I’m sorry, it really isn’t.
Donald: It’s a hoax, it’s a conspiracy by the Chinese to undermine American businesses.
Leo: That’s not–
Donald: It’s settled. It’s done. Climate change is not going to be a priority of my administration.
Leo: All due respect, it’s not about–
Donald: You don’t want to share? Fine. Don’t share. Secret Service guys, get this Hollywood liberal out of here. I’m going to tweet about this for a bit.
Leo: Wait. Wait, sir. (sighs) She has a birthmark.
Donald: Who does?
Donald: Go on.
Leo: On her upper thigh.
Donald: I’ll bet it is. What shape?
Leo: It’s in the shape of the piece of the polar ice shelf that broke off and melted last month.
Donald: Nice try. Next time I have you thrown in jail. Get out.