If It Please The Committee.
Submitted to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and rejected from same, so now you get to read it.
A COMPLETE LIST OF EXCULPATORY EXHIBITS IN THE MATTER OF THE SEXUAL MISCONDUCT ALLEGATIONS AGAINST THE HONORABLE BRETT KAVANAUGH, CANDIDATE FOR THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES.
Attn: Sen. Charles Grassley, Chairman, Senate Judiciary Committee
Please note this inventory of items previously and tentatively submitted that present the strongest possible case exonerating Supreme Court candidate Brett Kavanaugh from the false and hurtful allegations of misconduct leveled against him within the past two weeks.
Exhibit A (submitted): Signatures of 65 women who Kavanaugh did not assault
Exhibit B (submitted): Calendar from summer of 1982 indicating absence of parties attended
Exhibit C (forthcoming): Stack of receipts from 1980 – 1983 provided by several Maryland convenience stores showing that no alcohol was ever purchased there by Kavanaugh
Exhibit D (forthcoming): Moth-eaten Raiders of the Lost Ark T-shirt containing zero amounts of trace DNA from accuser Dr. Christine Blasey Ford
Exhibit E (forthcoming): Audio cassette recording of two voices, one of which can be identified as belonging to Kavanaugh, in which Kavanaugh never once mentions having assaulted somebody
Exhibit F (forthcoming): Photo album containing images of bedroom doors that Kavanaugh has never locked, establishing candidate’s pattern of leaving doors unlocked and calling into question whether candidate knows how locks even work
Exhibit G (forthcoming): 6′ x 8′ map of the world, mounted on cork board, with thumbtacks placed on every city where Kavanaugh has never been accused of assault
Exhibit H (forthcoming): 110-page document prepared by panel of noted zoologists detailing the mating habits of several animals that do not appear to utilize systems of consent
Exhibit I (forthcoming): Kavanaugh’s complete resume and CV with a supplemental statement signed by all sitting Republican senators indicating that if he’s gotten away with it this long he should be allowed to get away with it for the rest of his life
Exhibit J (forthcoming): Complete transcripts of House Select Committee hearings on Events Surrounding the 2012 Terrorist Attack in Benghazi
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Creative Control 